My bachelors degree was awesome. I enjoyed all the four years of my B.Sc with good friends, nice trips. And then after my B.Sc I joined for my masters (I must have told this en number of times in my other blogs 🙄). I started my masters peacefully having fun and some studying also 🙃. Then my research work started, I enjoyed doing my work, basically because the work was as I had expected (new and challenging, but simple and worth), plus I had a couple of good friends who helped me with my work 😉.
It was fun working together. But towards the end of my masters when I saw my friends submitting my thesis and I was still correcting it, I started getting frustrated and I just wanted to submit my thesis. But it was getting a little elongated. The first deadline passed, and the second deadline was nearing, I had to submit my thesis, but every time I went to my guide with a copy, new errors popped up and I again sat correcting them all night. I remember staying awake the whole night just to finish of the thesis. I also came to a point where I just wanted to quit everything and run away from there. I called up my mother and she suggested me to just hold on for a little while more and not quit after coming this far (thanks mom 😘). So somehow I managed to pull all my strength to finish the race. And I finished my race successfully.
After my masters, I decided to go for a job. I started working at a multinational firm which dealt with certifying organic products. My work was to sit in front of the computers and try to compare certain values and report to my senior. My starting salary was Rs 12000/month. Though it was not too much, it was my first job and I was earning man!!! 😍. I worked for a couple of months, but then realised that, this is not what I want to do. I just do not want to sit in front of the computer and do some maths alone, I wanted to do something related to research. So I started looking out for something else and then I came across a job that caught my interest. I immediately applied for it and luckily got the job also. I got a job as a skilled field assistant in which I was conducting some field experiments and had to record certain readings and analyse their data, at the same time I had to interact with certain farmers. But I really enjoyed that job. I was offered a much better incentive than the earlier job, I was earning Rs 20 K every month. I was staying as a paying guest. Initially there was an old lady staying along with me, who happened to be the owner of the flat that I was staying in, but later she left to stay with her sister who happened to be ill. So I was all alone.
Here I was very happy as the job was satisfying and the income was also decent (for a beginner 🙂). Though it was a government job, it was not a permanent one. I worked there for nearly 5 months, but later a feeling of insecurity started arising. Questions started raising in my head whether I will get a permanent job in a similar area, especially of my interest. With all these questions in my mind I quit the job. I gave them the true reason as to why I had to quit, and one of the investigators advised me not to quit as I could search for a job even by working there, which was true as the work was not very hectic and I was back home by 5.30 pm. I had to only cook for myself. But I really enjoyed those days of work. But then I quit!! 😔.
I stayed at home for nearly 6 months and enjoyed mom’s food and all the love, care, affection and pampering😉. I started studying for different competitive exams, and started applying for different jobs. Even the post office clerks started recognising me, as I went there frequently to post an application letter 😅. I gave many exams, but I did not clear any of them, except for the exam for a PhD fellowship. And I even cleared the entrance test of the university in which I had applied for PhD 🙄. I had decided that only if I had a fellowship I would go for a PhD, else I will go for a job. Before joining PhD I again tried applying for the last time for a permanent job. This job happened to be the same place where I was working and enjoyed working. I cleared the written exam and managed to reach the interview. They immediately recognised me and asked me my reason to quit. The moment I told them my true reason they rejected me and asked me to search for job, where there were a lot of seats and my qualification was valued. Another reason that they gave me is that I was overqualified for this job. But I realised that because I quit the job earlier, questions have been raised in their minds whether I will be persistent or not.
So the only option for me now was PhD. I joined PhD, with full enthusiasm.
But the fun did not last for long. By the time I came to my 6th year I was totally frustrated (PhD). And then I started writing blog, I enjoyed writing these blogs. This was more fun than working on my research project.
Many a times I always got the idea of quitting PhD and starting something which I was really passionate about. But then the old experiences come up, and suppress my confidence to quit and do something else. I myself have started questioning my persistence. Though PhD was a dream, but I guess the work never turned into a passion.
When I see people around me really passionate about what they are doing (at least some of them) and even fighting for it, I feel completely discharged, as I do not have even 1 % of that energy. Not getting the result might be one of the reasons for my frustrations, as when I get my results I again get little charged. But that charge is not enough to enjoy the work that I am doing.
Now though I have realised my passion, I am continuing my PhD and trying to find answers to certain questions that keep coming to my mind again and again;
- Do we do something because we are passionate about it or because there is no other option?
- Why don’t we quit something that we are not passionate about doing? Are we afraid to face new challenges in life?
- Even if we quit doing something, is it because of passion or frustration?
- Does quitting one thing to do something you are really passionate about show that you are weak? Shouldn’t this actually show that we have identified our true passion?
Maybe everyone in this world try to find their true passion and dreams. Some may realise it soon enough to start their life, some might struggle till the end. But what matters is your happiness. Happiness will be gained only when you do something you are really passionate about. So you should start asking yourself are you really happy?